What does it all feel like?
Well, lupus and fibromyalgia feels very heavy. Not just emotionally but physically, like my body is so very heavy. Like I’m walking through water.
The pain feels like your muscles are burning and your joints are aching. Bed is a respite from exhaustion but not necessarily from pain. Sleep comes quickly and hard. The exhaustion is exhausting.
But the hardest part? It’s invisible.
Bipolar is a roller coaster of up up up then
Down
down
DOWN
Sometimes within the same hour.
It’s self consciousness, fear, shame, excitement, euphoria, irritability, power
On steroids.
It’s whirring, and blinding, and crashing.
Over and over and over again.
And the hardest part? It’s invisible.
All I want is relief.
All I want is freedom from my body and my mind.
I pray for it. For the thorn in my side, that God would heal it.
But strength is known in weakness. Love is found in compassion. Life is recognized in trials. Especially the ones that are ongoing.
So I guess I’ll keep my thorn right now. I guess I’ll endure till my race is run. Cause I know it’ll be okay. And maybe, just maybe, God will use it for good, both for me and for others. Even if it is all invisible. I am not.